I rated the girl in the spider’s web 3/10 on IMDb

www.imdb.com/title/tt5177088

oh dear. So execrable that I could not endure the whole movie.

Lazy, trope-ridden nonsense.

Stephen merchant adds his usual gravitas, giving the movie all the weight of a helium balloon.

Even the opening scenes of a traumatic childhood followed by vigilante retribution are done in such a perfunctory way that they’re rendered pointless.

The movie continued in a similar vein to the escape from the bridge and the ‘mysterious’ black van and Lisbet’s sister’s appearance. And that was the point I had to leave.

This sorry tale told in lumpen parts augmented by the dullest of dialog might represent the book well. But it made really intolerable cinema for me. I cannot recommend you even consider seeing this.

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I rated Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald 5/10 on IMDb

www.imdb.com/title/tt4123430

Very disappointing indeed. This movie runs at about 134 minutes and feels interminably longer.

I’d expected more of the off-beat ride through the wizarding world that the first fantastic beasts showed us. And I’d expected that to have some extra darkness and plot too. Sadly, no.

Not even Johnny Depp as Grindelwald and Eddie Redmayne reprising his role as Newt Scamander save this rambling travesty of movie making from turning a simple story into a mess of special effects, inconsequential characters, dull and drawn out events and meandering guff.

We left the cinema and one of the group summarised the essential story in a couple of sentences. Everything else is just padding.

For extra delight, Jude Law imbues Albus Dumbledore with a fascinating quality that I can only describe as ‘mawkish oak’.

The whole thing goes on and on with an apparent belief that there is tension and intrigue about the target, Credence, of Grindelwald’s interest. Nothing of the sort. Dull.

And as for the tedious exposition of Credence’s origin in the mausoleum? Just no. It might work in a book but in a movie that kind of blah blah has no place. Especially at a point of potential dramatic tension and revelation.

Some of the creatures are fun. But generally have no real purpose beyond providing plot events that add little to the narrative.

I’d suggest that that unlike real life, movies like this need to have a reason for everything that happens. Otherwise where’s the drama? This pile of meh puts that aside and gives you more than 2 hours of visual presentation where not more than about 30 minutes has any real purpose.

One of my biggest cinema disappointments of the year. I hope you have more fun with the crimes of Grindelwald than I did.